jana

2007-02-19T03:38:00.000-08:00

tattoos.piercings.punky hairstyles.black lipstick.black eye shadow.black t-shirts.black leather jacket.black leather boots.spiky bangles.pointy studded belts.torn and seasoned looking black skirt. pantyholes.black nail polish.cool and unique accessories.black dresses. a black rose .. can u gimme ?? can u complete wat i want ?? I'm dying to earn money .. I'm dying to have these ..

-MiSSing u-

2007-02-19T03:26:00.000-08:00

I've waited for an answer
God listens to my prayer
Missing you like no other
Apparently I've been here..
A day w/o you
Feels like I'm losing you
Silence came into rescue
Wondering if u miss me too ?

2007-01-24T08:54:00.000-08:00

I'm not dead yet .. I'm here becuse I miss my bloggy .. I miss comments n compliments from people .. Well its been quite awhile .. Loving and hurting someone or the other way round is inevitable in my life dictionary .. I shall not rake about the past .. Just gotta move on .. Existantance still have to go on ..
I'm currently attached with an Indonesian guy .. He's adorable , quite handsome , unique , physically inclined , interesting personality and notorious typed of guy .. Its been nearly 2 mths now .. HOPEFULLY everything gonna be fine ..
I'm working at COFFEE CLUB , the finest freshly brewed coffee u ever tasted .. try our coffee club classic .. COFFEE CLUB is not popular just for its coffee but incluuding the food and other beverages they served .. try their main courses or their snack and light bites or even their desserts .. Mouth watering and there's an absolute pleasure having every single bite that will melt in your mouth .. delicious .. I'm working in IMM btw ..
I guess I'll update when I miss u , bloggy ..

I'M BACK !!

2006-10-30T23:24:00.000-08:00

Hello people .. I'm back after all these weeks of mourning .. He's literally dead but I'm still alive and kicking so is this blog of mine .. Its been a roller coaster ride for me for the past silence I gave it up to u people .. Yeah I'm still looking for my Mr Right and I'm still figuring whats the meaning of Life and Happiness .. Too bad .. I'm still bored ..

NO MORE BLEEDING

NO MORE TREMBLING

SO MUCH OF THOSE CRIES

TO LET YOUR PRESENCE DIES ..

A BROKEN SMILE I FRAME

EVENTHOUGH I TOOK THE BLAME

TIME AND AGAIN

IT STILL REMAIN ..

Last words I engrave

on the ring u gave

memories of u and me

will forever be treasure till eternity ......

2006-09-24T23:58:00.000-07:00

In the silence
I stood and cried
I did my best
To put everything aside
But his name
still recite ..
I miss his voice
I miss his smile
I miss his laughter
I miss his touch
I miss his hug
I miss his kiss
I miss his motivation
I miss his critism
iss the time when he sings to me
I miss the time when he carried me
I miss the time when I fell asleep in him arms .
I miss the time when he make me cry
I miss the time when he said 'I'm sorry '
I miss the time when he said 'I'll do my best '..
I LOVE YOU , Asran ..
I really do ..
I dunno how I can breathe
Without you ..
I MISS YOU DARLING ..
I CAN'T CONTROL MYSELF ..
I cant move on but I'll try
what can be said to be with you again ??

probably my last entry ....

2006-09-20T19:39:00.000-07:00

I've been tryig to focus . I've been trying to please everyone . guess what ? its damn tiring ! I just wish , I could be myself .. potray my identity like I want to .. .. Right Now I need medicine and painkillers to wash this agony away ..

He was once there

showered me with love and care

But FATE and DESTINY is unfair

This heartbreak , I'm force to bear .

Just memories are left behind

I've seen it , I have it all rewind

WHY ? Love was so unkind ?

Or is it me whose blind ?

I was naive and foolish indeed

For him , I try to bleed

For him , I rather weep

To avoid making him sick .

I was too nice

I've made the sacrifice

I had enough of his lies

I'm tired of our MERE 'goodbyes' .

He gave me empty promises

Our LOVE was like a curse

My brain cells are about to burst

But then again , HE was my FUCKING first .

Why he have to make me feel this way?

Loving me then led me astray

I'm NOT freaking OKAY

I know I'll move on someday .

Despite the shits he poured on me ,

I still do miss him badly

In my eyes , he still the one and only

However , he's just my HISTORY .

I don't need to remember

THAT I'm NOT his bloody lover

WE are not like WE were

Everything had to end HERE !!

2006-09-09T00:37:00.000-07:00

123
Please be with me
45
Don't say you'll try
678
You, I shall wait
910
I will love you till the end ..
--------------------------------------------------
To my fellows , this will be my last entry for the next few months .. I need to work my butts off for the Os .. take care !

2006-09-02T02:49:00.000-07:00

When the clock stop ticking
When the trees stop growing
When my lungs stop breathing
That's when our love is dying ..
Upon the million tears I've cried
You know I did fucking tried
To be the best and I have fight
To last our relationship and your pride ..
However I don't sense your care
Just your ignorance and its unfair
Am I suppose to endure and bear
My heart you rip and tear ?

I don't understand u ..

2006-08-31T19:21:00.000-07:00

I CAN ROT WAITING FOR YOUR CALLS AND MESSAGES . I CAN BLEED UPON UR BROKEN PROMISES . I CAN CRY WHEN YOU TOLD ME ' i still love u ' .. IF U DO CARE , WHY YOU WASN'T THERE ? YOUR REASON IS 'i'm busy syg , you do understand rite ?' .. AAAARRGGHH ! I'M SICK OF FEELING SINGLE WHEN I KNOW I'M YOURS .. YOU CAN'T BLAME ME IF 'KID' EMBRACE AND HOLD ME .. I GO TO HIM FOR COMFORT AND A PLACE FOR ME TO VOICE OUT MY UNHAPPINESS .. DAMN !! ASRAN , I LEFT ASRANI AND ALL THE OTHER GUYS I WAS INVOLVED WITH JUST FOR U .. IF YOU ARE HERE I WON'T BE LIKE THIS ..'KID' knows me since sec 2 n he's my best guy fren other other than my blood - eim .......

2006-08-29T02:29:00.000-07:00

Time won't heal

even then

The real ME reveal

and when

I cry n bleed

Don't stop ME

Please have a seat

Beside ME

We'll shed blood together

Rejoicing the pain that

lingers and won't go away ..

If I say 'go away'

Will you say no ?

AND tell me you'll stay ??

2006-08-23T23:58:00.000-07:00

BLEED ME
MAKE ME CRY
KILL ME
DON'T ASK ME WHY ..
JUST END MY BLOODY MISERY
OR
CHOOSE TO LOVE ME ?

2006-08-18T20:21:00.000-07:00

MY LAST SENTENCE STILL HANGING IN THE AIR ......
YOUR PRESENCE STILL LINGERS THERE ....
I LEARNT THAT EVERYTHINGS UNFAIR ...
I BELIEVE I'M FORCED TO BEAR ..
BLEED ME DRY
LET ME CRY
BID GOODBYE
I'LL TRY
PULL THE TRIGGER
END MY FEAR
I DUN WANT U HERE
JUST CHOKE ME WITH LIQUOR
OR AT LEAST A BEER ..
I NEED A FREN , I NEED SOME TABLETS
TO DEPEND AND SPIT ME SOME WORDS ...
WILL YOU BE THERE FOR ME ??

How ??

2006-08-13T04:12:00.000-07:00

1ST B.F - ASRAN .
An is a 21 yr old guy . he lives at either Bishan or Tampines due to the divorce thingy ! He dress like an emo - typed . He sings well , seriously no kidding ! He plays guitar , keyboard and violin . He had his advanced diploma . Now he's serving his NS , high rank ! He had his motor license unfortunately no motorbike . He's friendly . He's short yet he has musles that are proportionate . He have passion for arts , he's in an art school but have not completed NAFA ( National academy of fine arts ) He's handsome and adorable ..
2ND B.F - ASRANI
As is 16 yrs old . He lives at Boon Lay . He dress like a matrep ( malay gangster ) . He appreciates the songs I listens to . He WAS a punk . He plays drum ,and knows little about guitar .. He have the sense of humour and he's easy-going .He's tall and look like an ang-moh . He's protective , loving , caring and understanding . He's far more matured for his age . He's not ignorant . He plays soccer .

What's happening to my love life ??

2006-08-13T03:38:00.000-07:00

What have I got myself into ? I'm stucked between two guys . I love both but I dun deny I love An more .. This started when my 1st b.f , An was being ignorant and still is . That's where my 2nd b.f entered my life . We met at esplanade . I was a lil drunk after drinking Heineken with Fir . However I was still conscious and knew what happened around me . I was left alone when I decided to leave a bunch of my friends including this one son-of-a bitch ! He criticised saying that I looked like an alien . I'm waiting for his presence . Just wait u fatty arse ! Therefore I left w/o a word .. Damn ! I make my way back to esplanade SEARCHING for a face that probably I WOULD recogniseD . I saw some of my schoolmates , introduce myself to the rest and met As , my 2nd b.f .. We talked and I took his no. Bla3 , Dadedada , We are now together albeit he knew about An .. I've met his momma , I suppose she's the coOlest mum .. Hence HERE I AM ..

2006-08-08T21:13:00.000-07:00

I'M SORRY THAT I LIED , I KNOW I DID TRIED TO MAKE YOU GLAD BUT SOMEHOW YOU MAKE ME FEEL SO BAD ..
YOU TREATED ME LIKE A PUPPET ON A STRING , LIKE A DOLL ..
ITS ALWAYS ME WHO LISTENS TO YOU . ITS MAKING ME SICK ..
I FELT SO SINFUL THANKS TO YOU ..
RESPECT ME . PLEASE ...
I WILL NEVER LET YOU GO , YOU KNOW THAT ..BUT
ITS HURTING ME BOTH PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY ..
* DON'T TELL ME TO DO IT AGAIN .. PLEEASE ..(!_!)

2006-08-05T19:02:00.000-07:00

I'm afraid of making friends yet I do it again .. I know I dun make sense but friends do cause me pain .. One by one left me right after they met me .. Some say I'm too weird for them .. Some say they fear of getting hurt as they are bound to fall for me so they make a choice to end the frindship .. Some hate my wearing and my ways .. I did my best to show who I realy am rather than hlet my flaws be hidden .. Damn , I really love them as a friend and now everything had come to an end ..
__________________________________________________________________

Why do you have to leave ?
Now Its hard for me to breathe ..
In the darkness , I lay
Crying due to the self I potray ..
Is it me or is it u ?
Is this suppose to be true ?
Disappointment I endure
The pain had no cure ..

2006-08-02T02:19:00.000-07:00

TO THE GIRLS WHO HATE ME BUT DO NOT HAVE THE GUTS TO TELL ME DIRECTLY !!!Grow a brain in that tiny skull of yours before I smashed your head .. I know you don't have the strength to retaliate because you are such a bimbotic whore ! Damn ! Don't give me your bitchy look ! It just irks me .. stop it fucking slut ! You know you are such a hypocrite .. Quit acting like you're so gorgeous and fame is all it matters .. eeww seeing you make me puke .. Bluek ! If you hold a grudge on me , why not look me in the eye and spit some vulgaritives at me ? Why you go around whispering and creating gossips about me to other people ? Apparently I was right , you had nothing better to do . you love seeing people get victimised emotionally .. Guess what ? it doesn't hurts me at all ! so much for your efforts .. Plain dumb ..

to a friend .. she should know who she is ..

2006-07-29T10:08:00.000-07:00

She don't seem to be smiling . After her boyfriend left her waiting . She still awaits for his presence but still he gave her the ignorance . She shed tears and she's becoming worse . She's bleeding inside wishing he would make things right . She longed to be loved by this person . She love him with definite reason . However he abandon the love they created . The love she thought was sacred . A moment he's there , next minit he's nowhere . Memories of them can never be erased . He , she can't possibly replace . The sweet remembrace of them will still lingers ..

Why do ppl come and go ? are their presence just for show ?

If it is , why are they here in the first place ? Knowing the memories can't possibly be erase .. why they gave their love away when eventually we are left astray ?

Why they gave empty promises when finally its not 'us' they misses ..

If we knew this would happen .. why don't you kill us first ? slit our wrists or suffocate us to end our misery ..........then killing us slowly .. it damn hurts !! mayB most guys are just self-centred freaks !

WHY AM I STILL BREATHING ??

2006-07-29T00:03:00.000-07:00

I NEED A CONCRETE REALISTIC GOAL . I NEED A REASON TO GET UP EVERY MORNING , TO SMILE AT MYSELF IN THE MIRROR AFTER I BRUSHED MY TEETH AND SAY ," YOU'RE ONE STEP CLOSER " . THAT HIT ME HARD ON MY HEAD . AWAKEN MY BRAIN CELLS WHICH ARE PARTIALLY NUMB . I NEED A REASON TO LENGHTEN MY EXISTANCE . IF NOT I WILL NOT CHOOSE TO LIVE .. YOU WILL THEN GET THE OPPORTUNITY TO SEE ME FREEZE IN THE BEAUTIFUL BED . A BED FOR THE DEAD - ( THE COFFIN ) .

PERHAPS I'LL BE SMILING IN MY DEEP SLEEP . A SLEEP WITH AN ETERNAL PEACE ..

2006-07-27T00:35:00.000-07:00

I PUKE THE DAY AWAY ......

2006-07-27T00:13:00.000-07:00

If you were the tadpole

I'll be the frog

I'll wait for your legs to grow

Then I'll teach you how to croak .

If you were the pen

I'll be the paper

You wrote yours lies

Still I'll believe it , however .

If you're the key

I'll be the door

All I know

Is YOU , I adore .

If you were to sing

I'll be your song

I'll wait for you

No matter how long ..

I really like you

Infact I love you alot

But you are like the string

While I'm like the knot ..

______________________________________

EQUATION , a new theory .

LOVE + LUST = LOST

SCHOOL + HOME = HELL

HOMEWORK+ASSIGNMENT = CRAP

NO RULES + NO RESTRICTION = FREEDOM

LESS EFFORT + LESS FOCUS = SOMEHOW SUCCESS .

# messed - up ..

to my friends whose in a rough patch ..

2006-07-26T23:58:00.000-07:00

Everything you want , may not be the things you need .

The advises you need . you may not heed .

Loving her would only make you bleed .

Why hang on ? when she's gone ??

Guess your love is so strong to let it go .

Perhaps your smiles and laughters are just for show .

Deep inside you , the pain is ripping you apart

But still she's the only one in your cracked heart ..

Don't deny when its apparent .

Don't bottle up the feelings . let it out to me .

I'm your friend .

I'll be glad if you tell me .

2006-07-24T02:53:00.000-07:00

Silence is where boredom lies within yourself .. It reminds you of your black past , failed romance and your demoralising weaknesses .. It will hypnotised you with the sinful and most dreadful event maybe the horrendous ones . Thus remorse and guilt surface .. You know , those are mistakes yet it haunt u ., The feeling and thoughts kept contradicting the fact .. It won't ease until there's music ! Music where it helps me to think , to relax and ease my pain . The bleeding in my veins will slowly heal due to music . Music is my medicine ...... Especially the head-banging music ..

Currently doesn't refer to any1

2006-07-21T01:20:00.000-07:00

You almost make me cry again this time

Buried myself alive on the inside

My words don't just rhyme

It meant so much and I'm dissatisfied ..

Your ignorance and harsh tone

Make me bleed more emotionally

You rather let me be alone

Than being here with me ..

You gave me lame excuses

Sometimes you never return my calls

You making things even worst

Damn ! you still got the balls ..

Why you still hold on to me ?

When you change to a fucker

Your promises are true holey

In my eyes , you are indeed my murderer ..

You can kill me with a single phrase

Without even llifting a finger

Its such a waste

You are the one I treasure ..

IF NOT IT WOULD BE OVER BY NOW ..

the truth beneath me ..

2006-07-20T02:17:00.001-07:00

Darkness is where I lay

to put my memories on play

As it dance along

with the unknown song

I am hypnotised

Never did I realised

That the pain is still in me

Its killing me softly ..

In a blink of an eye ,

My tears stars to dry

Dry by the warm cheeks of mine

The cheeks HE SAID was fine ..

The images slowly drift apart

An ache I felt in my heart ..

It stops my breathing momentarily

My thoughts return to reality ..

LIGHTS ON ..

I came back to life ..

Darkness is where I stop to pretend

I'll try to survive

You will never ever understand ..

My thoughts are different . Its not twisted yet its churn ..

ME

2006-07-20T02:17:00.000-07:00

MOST FREQUENT WORDS OR PHRASES I SPOUT ARE - fuck , damn , crap , shit , ass-hole , bitch , go-and-die and 'mentally challenged' .

PEEP KNOWN ME AS - loner , dissatified soul , chucky and poem freak .

HATE ME FOR - my fucked-up attitude , my irritating accent , my foul mouth and my black past .

BE MY FRIEND WHEN - you fancy me , like my styles , appreciate my poems , love the songs I listen to or at least shut your trap when you hate my songs and when you LOVE me for ME .

HATE TO BE - victimised , kept waiting , provoke , irritated , critised and perhaps YOU ..

I DESPISE - sex maniac , aggressive wanker , chatterbox , drug addicts , smart snobbish ass - holes and peeps who are full of themselves .

MY ATTENTION CAUGHT BY - guys with styles , mohawk hairstyles or 'botak' , multiple piercing , cute or handsome and cool tattoos .

I WILL MELT WHEN - he sings to me with guitar in his hands , rock - out at the stage performing in front of me and give me his adorable smile and the kiss I would die for .

I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT - $$$ , HIM AND SINS !

2006-07-19T03:07:00.000-07:00

I've drained out my energy ..

It no longer meant anything to me

Why must we study so hard ?

When we are bound to fall apart ..

I tried . I force my soul

To be strong and did what I was told

Guess what ? I failed again

I'm tired of this pain

Its making me sick

I am really weak ..

YOU ARE MY EVERYTHING !!!!!

2006-07-16T22:10:00.000-07:00

When I first saw you , I'm scared to talk to you . When I first talked to you , I'm scared to kiss you . When I first kissed you , I'm scared to love you . Now that I love you , my biggest fear is losing you ..

_____________________________________________________________________

Tell me this ain't true..

2006-07-13T03:25:00.000-07:00

I not only want to be told that I am in love BUT I really want to know that I am loved .

You said . you claim . I believe . I suppose . I assume that whatever you said is nothing but the deepest truth .. I perceive you never lied to me . I hope I don't love and trust you blindly .. I wish you heal me instead of making me bleed more .. I'll just wait ..

Tragedies occured long before ,

Before my heart is with you ,

Honeyed words are my bore ,

Start convincing me that your love is true ..

If bleeding is the answer to my relief

If tears is the key to my comfort

How can I possibly leave

When I'm bound of gettin hurt ..

My soul will never be appease ,

My heart won't patched - up again ,

If you kept giving me these ,

You will never ease my pain ..

*tell me i'm worth loving for ..

2006-07-12T02:55:00.000-07:00

SORROW IS IN PEOPLE'S BLOOD . THEY WON'T REVEAL IT , IT'S NOT FOR SHOW , PERHAPS THEY'LL ASK THEMSELVES , WILL WE STILL BE ALIVE TOMORROW ??

THAT'S WHERE INSANITY , HALLUCINATION OCCURS , WHEN THEY ARE SENSELESS , WHEN THEY TURN NUMB . THEY HOPE THEY COULD STOP THE TIME OR EVEN TWIST IT AROUND ..

There are dissatisfied souls roaming and still wandering . They lost their way eventhough there are signs up there or are they still shooting signs in the air ?

They need help yet they dun want it . They are crying inside yet they hide it . They are confuse . They felt the blues BUT then again , NOBODY CAN STOP THEIR PAIN ...

??

2006-07-12T02:32:00.000-07:00

If life is a bed of roses ,

Why do suicide occurs ?

If education is important ,

Why are there unemployment ?

If love is wonderful ,

Why are there heartbreakers ?

If he loves you ,

Why he left u alone ?

If he cares ,

Why he's not there ?

If he's the one ,

Why he broke your heart ??

LIKE I SAID , LOVE AND LIFE IS NEVER FAIR , THE QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS ARE STUCK IN THE AIR .. IF U COULD JUST SIT AND REFLECT , WHAT I SAID , IS INDEED THE FACT ..

2006-07-10T02:51:00.000-07:00

Restless . I felt like i'm dragging my feet to school most of the days . I hated school alot since I was in sec 2 , my no. of latecoming n poor attendance in school kept maximixing . Yeah , I love playing truant but I gotta quit this . I'm trying very hard n I really hope my efforts are not in vain . I wanna change n I got to abide the school rules . Punctuality , responsibilty and other shits .. Damn .. I hate rules . You know that . I just can't wait for this next hurdle to end . What I meant was my '0' levels . I know I don't deserve any impressive grades due to my reluctance to do revision n paying full attention in the class of course .. In class , I am known as the sleeping queen and I dun deny the fact that I am .. Nothing can make me stay awake except An's motivational words and HIM .. How I envy u , smart - ass !

I'd brought water

I'd brought sweet(s)

To kept me awake

For the benefit ..

Cope with stress

Relax my brain

Music is my distress

And ease my pain ..

If you can motivate me

Do give me a hand

I hate to study

Yet I have to pretend ..

bluek ! pweeh ! eeeyer !

deep inside my heart ..

2006-07-08T19:34:00.001-07:00

Would you kill me ?

If I ask you to ?

Just to end my agony ,

When I'm with you .

Its hard to let you go ,

I rather end my life

You know I love you so

But I can't possibly survive ..

I kept doubting u

Somehow u , I don't trust

I know you are my boo

Yet I'm afraid its just lust ..

My mind is in total mess

My vision are blurred

I hate to let this rest

As it will be absurd ..

It involves my status and my pride

It creates a big black hole in my heart

Assure me that , what we did was right

Then I believe that we won't be apart ..

I love you Asran ....

2006-07-06T00:30:00.000-07:00

I call my house not a home but a hell

Some fuck story I preferred not to tell

There's still skeletons in my closet

If the truth leaks out , I'll turn more upset .

Lonely , dissatisfied adolescent

In my family eyes , I'm a burden

Due to my undefined ability

Makes them dislike me .

To them I'm a piece of crap

AND dreams of the moon NEVER fall on my lap

They rather see me bleed inside

Drenched myself by the tears I've cried .

I tried to make myself smile again

Hiding the unhappiness and the pain

Yet I failed n I failed

My efforts now are dead .

If I tell u , this is killing me ,

Would you stop it and ease my agony ??

I need you to continue to survive

To survive in this unpeaceful life .

Where betrayal , revenge and abhorent lies

You know no matter what , these will be minimise .

I wish . Before our earth is weigh down by tonnes of blood .

Before WE are drowning in the warm tears of our own .

Before everything turned to some freaking stone ....

I don't give a damn if u r into satanic ..

2006-07-05T03:18:00.000-07:00

I'll be your ashes

I'll be your dust

I want you dead

Is all i ask ..

You hated me .

Why not you kill me ?

Stab , cut , rip me apart .

Lick my fucking blood

as a taste of your success .

Success that leads u to a mess .

Like you are living in someone's soul .

When you did what you are told .

When you turned partially blind .

Then you will hope for the answers you wanna find .

You indulge in sacrificial crap .

If not , I've long been in your trap ..

Follow your 'right' path .

If you leave me , Asran .

2006-07-02T18:46:00.000-07:00

Your photo tell a thousand words

Your smile melts my heart

It meant so much then it hurts

Since we are unmistakably apart .

Your laugther is music in my ears

Your touch symbolise your care

Now,all I heard is just my sinful tears

and I got to learn you will never be there .

Memories will forever etch in my mind

My blood won't stop bleeding

When you left me alone behind

That was where my heart stop beating .

You knew I love you so deeply

Why ? You walk out from me ?

Without you , my life is empty

I'm filled with hatred , sorrow and insanity .

You won't ever ease my pain

You will never love me again

Tell me , all these will not remain

Tell me , this will just drain .

Because of you

I'll rot and soon will die

Thanks for making this true

I'll bid you goodbye ..

Its ok !

2006-07-01T20:57:00.000-07:00

I knew that my poems and entries convey the wrong message that I'm a real sadist . I'm not the mentally challenged type . I just love to drown my sorrows in words or in songs and especially deep meaningful lyrics .. Well you can call me an emo but I don't dress like an emo punk . I still prefer goths . However my special partner is an emo punk . Therefore I love making more friends or even just an acquaintance to these emos .. They are cool indeed . Especially when they do have their own band or play any music instruments . god ! I just love 'em .

P/S : SO IF ANYONE OF YOU OUT THERE IS A POET , AN EMO PUNK , A GOTH , A dissatisfied soul like me , WELCOME to my life ... I'm please to meet ya !!

2006-06-28T00:25:00.000-07:00

I don't wanna split into pieces

I'm not gonna make those sacrifices

The sick feeling and emptiness ,

It won't leave me still it lingers ..

Nobody heard my cries

To them its just some damn lies

I'm not faking this agony

I'm not asking for sympathy ..

I just need you to understand me

That loving you is the hardest thing it could be ..

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

I really love you yet I hate you

I'm inferior towards you

I hate you for being so fucking lovely !!

I hate myself due to my stupidity ....

WHO am I to deserve a talented , intelligent , interesting guy who is YOU ??

You play guitar , keyboard and violin . You had your own band and you are the lead singer of that band . I've seen you sang and scream .. You are amazing and impressive indeed . In addition , you are an advanced diploma holder , an art student and went through your 'A' levels . Besides that , you know alot of things and experienced alot too since you are now 21 .. Furthermore , you are mixed chinese and that would explain your appearance .. You are adorable as you look young and due to your height .. However , I love it when you embrace me tight because your body feels so rite .. love you again ..

its just me ..

2006-06-20T19:04:00.000-07:00

Tell ya something about me you all should know .

I dun deny the fact that i'm pessimistic and paranoid .

I can jolly well hate peeps and them I would avoid .

If you makin me totally sick , I'll make you even more weak .

I rather remain silent than wasting my breath to speak .

Frankly speaking , I find it tough to forgive and forget .

So if you did victimised me personally , you might just regret .

I can be either your foe or your friend .

It depends whether you want it to end .

I can be nice and I can be twice ur nice .

but if u provoke me , why not you , I slice ?

If I hate you once , I'll hate you forever .

Be it now or the future ..

So if you want me in your existance ,

don't let this friendship burns ..

To you , Zari aka Adam

2006-06-14T18:38:00.000-07:00

I'm still missing you .

It did hurt and it still do .

I dun understand whats wrong with me ,

mayB loving you had turn me into insanity ..

But .. Tears, blood and pain

Won't make u remain

No matter how hard I cried

You would no longer be by my side .

Although we are apart ,

I swear thare's still a place for you in my heart ..

Why I kept falling back to you ??

When I know you don't love me too ..

The agony is making me sick ..

only GOD knows its making me weak ..

I can't bring myself to hate you ,

The more I tried to hate you , The more I'm in love with you ..

Memories of us always kept playing in my mind

Is loving and missing you , a thing peeps call blind ??

It can be true I suppose ...

P/S : to whom who likes to read my poems , keep on reading , there's alot more in the older updates .. thnks for appreaciating my poems .. THANKS again !!

TO A//F

2006-06-12T02:07:00.000-07:00

LOVE YOU . HATE YOU . LOVE ME . DO YOU ?? LEAVE ME ALONE . PUT DOWN THE FUCKING PHONE . DON'T EVER TALK TO ME AGAIN . YOUR VOICE IS DRIVING ME INSANE . STOP IT .. PLEASE .. I NEVER USED YOU . ALL I DID WAS JUST BEING MYSELF . PLEASE STOP BUGGING ME .. GOD ! YOU MAKING ME SICK !! I APPREACIATE WHAT YOU GAVE AND DID BUT THAT DOES'NT MEAN I M IN LOVE WITH YOU .. CAN'T YOU GET THE PICTURE ?? WE ARE DEFINITELY OVER ....

MUST I SHED BLOOD TO MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND ?

MUST I SHED TEARS TO LET YOU BE UNDERSTOOD ?

MUST I ??

OH DAMMIT !! WHAT HAVE I DONE TO HAVE THIS KINDA SITUATION ??

HHHHHHHEEEEEEEELLLPPP !!

For Helmi aka Amy.

2006-06-10T19:47:00.000-07:00

I know you won't turn back to look at me .

mayB I'm just your bloody history .

However I'll adore you without you knowing .

Its been since that you were the one whom I kept admiring .

I miss those days when you did looked at me .

When everything was fine and WE are happy .

Guess it won't ever happen again .

Since you fear , I might cause you pain .

I really don't know what to do .

Should I approach you when I see you ?

I don't have the gut .

I'm scared you might not like .

I don't deny that I fear of rejection

What if you wont ever return ?

HAIX !!!!! I dunno .......................................................

something for Adib

2006-06-07T00:05:00.000-07:00

I have nothing but the opposite of positivity

I did had you but it no longer meant anything to me .

Thought you were mine but mayB I'm just blind

Blinded by your fucking honeyed words when everything was damn fine .

I told you umpteen times , never get on my last nerve

Or you will regret for what you rightfully deserve .

I am neither threatening nor I am telling you

But this is to ask yourself why you hurt me too ?

Your disappearance and your bloody ignorance

Is making me sick and tired to listen to your 'explanation' .

I really don't understand you

Why you said you love me too ?

When all you did was give me shit

This relationship is making me dead beat ..

I'm tired . I hate you . I really do . forget me , let me go , WILL you ??

i'm not okay !!!

2006-06-04T18:59:00.000-07:00

This bleeding would never heal

As the truth in you reveal

The agony I failed to bear

I then learnt ; even frienship is unfair .

Stop explaining

It won't ease my hurting

Thanks for acting like you care

Now you will never be there .

If killing me would ease your burden

I supposed you are guilt - ridden

It took me so long to find a friend like you

AND now you walk away too .

In this city so dead

All you give me was hate ..

Who am I suppose to turn to ?

When I'm no longer with you ?

Thought you will always be my friend

But you FORCE it to end .

My tears can turn to a river

My cold sweat making me shiver

The fear and wild thoughts entered

But still its the END of us and its absurd ...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I need someone to embrace me really tight

Dry my tears and accompany me all day and night

Listen to my heartbreaking events

And who I considered my friends ..

Guess I'm not worth caring for

I , people should abhor ..

AND please kill me so that HE'S happy !!

:( .. but tnks alot to who cares abt me ....

2006-06-03T06:34:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been knocked DOWN by a car ?? I have .. I was flung over about 15 m from where I was hit .. I landed on my back and I can't hardly move thats where the ambulance arrive .. Due to all this shits , my tongue hole closed , I mean the piercing part .. damn !! It happened recently .. Blame it on myself .. There's tooo much things 4 me to give a damn that's why the road accident happened .. BUT who fucking cares ?? Just a MINORITY of peeps .. I was straight send to NUH and was held up in the ICU for bloody four hours .. Pity my mom , gotta wait that long before she could see my condition .. Hmm THANKS to whom that hurt me and let me be in this state .. If I was cautious and not dwelling on unpleasant things this won't happened !!! Well YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH AND I'M NOT EXAGGERATING , JERK !!! ( this is 4 someone ..)

To my fellows out there ......

2006-05-31T22:44:00.000-07:00

LET ME DIE . DON'T RESCUE ME . i'M NOT WORTH SAVING FOR . ABHOR ME .

I DESERVE IT . I'M JUST A CRAPPY ASS HOLE . YES , I'M PESSIMISTIC . YES . I'M NEGATIVE . YES . I'M HARD - HEARTED . AND YES I'M REVENGEFUL . DESPISE ME , WILL YOU ?? Can you change me ?? DON'T even think about it cause I'm a hopeless girl ......

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THANKS !!

2006-05-31T22:25:00.000-07:00

mayB letting you be my stead

was my GRAVE mistake

All u did was let me wait

Now I should retaliate ..

Why should I play with the silence ?

When you always disappear without reasons

You are always ignorant

guess breaking up will let u learn ..

Learnt that you can't hurt me

Either u will end up in misery

or I'll end up with somebody

Obviously that will make u ' happy ' !!

I had enough of your damn lies

even you have not listen to my cries ,

You should know my love for you will soon dies

THANKS TO YOU , I begin to abhor guys ..........

To whom it may concern :<

2006-05-31T02:00:00.000-07:00

Your last words and a simple goodbye , makes me cry so hard .. Losing a friend like you is the hardest thing I can ever imagine .. BUT I no longer need to imagine it because you spit the words right on my face thats where I know our friendship had came to an end .. An ending that's hard for me to understand .. What did I do to deserve this ?? Is being totally good and nice towards a friend a crime ?? You told me you don't wanna get too attached in this friendship because you are afraid you might fall for me ?? Is that suppose to be a positive thing to do ? Guess what ?? Its SELF - CENTRED act .. you left me weeping and feeling hurt .. Would that satisfy your soul ?? It still bugs me .. Well I learnt that good things always had to end whether you like it or you don't .. However , I'll never forget you .. thanks for every single thing .. Like i said memories will forever etch in my mind and heart .. NOW we will then part .. WE are buried alive on 31/5/06 .

money !!!!

2006-05-29T19:14:00.000-07:00

Please tell me if i'm changing .. I'm acting like a stucked - up little bitch .. I'm just bored wit my lame life !! IF I have lots of money , I'm goin for a piercing spree !! That will make me happy ! I want to go to some gigs .. I am told 13 and 15 june , there's a gig .. AND if I'm not mistaken , theres a gig around this wk ..I SO in NEED OF cash for transport n food .. poor me .. DAMN !!

A NEW LIFE AHEAD ..

2006-05-29T01:09:00.000-07:00

I had buried the past

My latest ex , I cast

knowin his love for me do lasts

However I always kicked up a fuss ..

When I was with him , I was happy

Especially when he really cares about me

But then , day after day , heated argument arise

That's when he was no longer nice ..

I then hate serious relationship

The hurt felt , is really deep

I learnt that LOVE = SIN .

Unless he's reeeaaaaaalllyyy 'CLEAN' ..

___________________________________________

Now my new b.f is totally different .

He looked rebellious but his decent .

So what if he's a skinhead

Doesn't mean I'll get rape !

ok fine he's not good-looking .

But he's interesting !!

YOU not happy

confront ME personally !!

What did i just typed ??

2006-05-22T19:27:00.000-07:00

GONNA LIKE FUCKING FAIL . GONNA LISTEN TO MY MOM'S WAIL . MY COMPLEXION TURNING SO PALE . BUT STILL EFFORTS ARE TO NO AVAIL .!! I'M SICK AND TIRED OF SCHOOLING AND STUDYING . ITS SO DAMN STRESSING .THIS IS SO SADDENING . PLEASE WAKE ME WHEN I'M SLEEPING . I KNOW OTHERS ARE THE SAME . ITS LIKE WE ARE BATTLING ON A STUPID GAME . STUDYING IS FREAKING LAME . FAILURES SENSE THE SHAME .I DOUBT WE THINK ALIKE .EXAMS SEEM TO BE YOUR DELIGHT . AND PASSING FEEL SO RIGHT . WHEN FAILURES LIKE ME RUN OR HIDE . JUST TO AVOID FACING THE EMBARASSMENT . SHED TEARS EVEN BLOOD FOR A MOMENT . FEELING THEY WEIGH THE BURDEN . THEN THEIR VULNERABILITY SLOWLY BURN .THEY TURN TO BE MORE PESSIMISTIC . THEY ACTING LIKE SOME FREAK . THEY RATHER SHOUT THAN SPEAK . BEHIND THOSE BRAVE FRONTS , INSIDE;THEY ARE ACTUALLY WEAK .believe me . i'm one of the minority ..

2006-05-22T05:11:00.000-07:00

In this world full of deceit and lies

Nobody ever listen to my cries

No place to confide and complain

The loneliness haunting me again ..

I can never run or hide

in the darkness and in the night

The emptiness lingers

It sense my inner fears ..

________________________________________

Killing me will ease my agony

But for you , It'll be too easy

Kissing me is so lovely

But do you think , I'm happy ??

Behind this smile and laughter

Left a big question to answer ..........

Aarrgghh !!!!!!!

2006-05-17T23:39:00.000-07:00

Not gonna cry again

Not gonna bleed in pain

WASTE MY ENERGY

HE NEVER SENSE MY SINCERITY

Why should I care ??

LOVE + LIFE = UNFAIR !!

To you , Arif ..

2006-05-15T10:46:00.000-07:00

Split your heart for me

Is another thing you would do

To ensure I'm aware and happy

Wherever I'm with you ..

Don't waste your tears on me

It breaks my heart to see you cry

Our love is like a dream and a story

Someday , somehow , to you , I'll say goodbye ..

I'll never be a good girlfriend

A relationship , it always come to an end

Why you kept knockin on my door ?

You can never knock some more

My heart won't open up again

Since it fears of the pain

Please be Mr . Brightside

Eventhough , we are apart ..

Whatever it is , memories will forever etched in my mind and heart ..

2006-05-15T04:22:00.000-07:00

Oh Dammit .. how imperfect can I be ?? I don't even know how to explain to my parents about my disappointing grades .. I flunk ALL of my subjects .. I'm so gonna be grounded .. For english , my spellings and grammars are becoming more deteriorating . God ! can u believe it ? Out of 36 pupils in my class , 6 only passes .. How saddening is that ?? For mathematics , its a gonecase ! Others are all about the same .. This is the worst exam I took in secondary school ... Its apparently a WAKE - UP call for me .. Need to start pulling up my socks as its not too late to start NOW .. Need lots and lots of advices , motivation and an extremely positive thinking .. My fellows out there PLEASE talk some sense into ME .. Before I got drowning again and being a failure all my LIFE .. I wanna get good grades for my '0's .. 'O' level , I mean !!

Dedication for Ajim aka Sh0rt legs !

2006-05-13T18:37:00.000-07:00

To you my new friend

Hope this friendship won't end

I know you are deeply hurt

What she did was totally absurd

All you did was to love her

However you , she did not treasure

Fret not , I'm a friend to care

I'll try to always be there

Be it rain or sunshine

I'm supporting you from behind

If I could stop your bleeding

You can then stop the hurting

Like I said , Time will heal the pain

Guess you will never love again

Thanks to her , ur ex - lover

She will be your history and not the future

Everything have its own reasons

LOVE can't be force so let it burns ..

What I said won't ease your agony

This is to show , I do care shorty !

I'll let the matter rest asap .

2006-05-12T23:32:00.000-07:00

I'm not a puppet on a string

I know how to do my thing

Who are you to force me ?

Just an adult not an elderly ..

You think we are immature

You seem so damn sure

Look on the on other hand

They are the ones that pretend ..

MayB I started the argument

I can possibly be forgiven

But she's so fat - headed

That started to hurt ..

I don't close an eye

I will not ask Why

I'm just defending my right

To hell if they wanna fight

I'm not a scaredy - cat

From nice , I'll be fucking mad

They tested my patience

That's not an exception

THAT THEY ARE INNOCENT !!

Awaitng patiently for your presence ..

2006-05-12T23:13:00.000-07:00

I'm not being my true self lately .. I still refuse to apologise to whom I did criticised or hurt badly .. Because THEY deserve rightfully to be looked down upon .. I don't mind being hated or discriminated as I went through alot of rough patches in my life .. I'm NOT born with a silver spoon in my mouth and my life is NEVER a bed of roses .. I don't give a damn if anyone off you peeps out there abhor me .. I'm used to it ..

Trying to hunt me down ? Trying to bash me up ? Whoop my ass ? 'SAY WHAT ??' Oooh I'm so scared ..

Are PROMISES meant to be BROKEN ??

2006-05-11T18:11:00.000-07:00

Save me while I'm still breathing

Stop my internal bleeding

When my heart is still beating

That's a sense that I'm still living ..

Don't run or escape

Don't pretend that I'm dead

Even I'm no longer your stead

You've broken the promises , you've made ..

All this crying and hurting

Is making me sick and its tiring

Why don't you say something

To stop this kinda agony and feeling ..

Guess you are unaware

That I'm always there to show love and care

This endurance , I failed to bear

Maybe Its not our love to share ..

You took me for granted

You've got what you always wanted

Now , you left me feeling hurt

You never kept your word ..

'smile "

2006-05-11T05:34:00.000-07:00

THEY ARE JUST JEALOUS OF ME .

THEY CAN'T SEE ME HAPPY .

THEY ARE PIECES OF SHITS.

I'LL LOVE TO SEE THEM BLEED .

LET THEM FEEL FUSTRATED .

MAKE THEM FUCKING HURT .

KEEP HATING ME .

I DON'T FEEL SHITTY .

I'LL GET THE LAST LAUGH

THEY WILL BE SLICED INTO HALVES ..

why ?

2006-05-10T22:41:00.000-07:00

I felt my blood rushing through my veins .. I could feel my heart beat raising .. My anger got the better of me so I just trash out all the vulgaritives to a lil bitch .. She's unhappy cos I called her fren a poser but its the fact .. Her fren known herself as a gothic .. Knowin how much I love goth style ,fashion and especially the deep menings in goth liked songs .. Therefore I peep at her blog .. A chinese slow song I could heard indeed .. I asked her ' You sure nt u gothic ? you know wats require to define yourself as gothic ?' Then she was offended ..Shoot me some vulgar.. bla3 . I called her a poser .. Then her fren interfere ..Am I in the wrong ?? At least I appreciate the goth - liked song n noe something .. AaaaaaRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHH !! Chill out Jana .. who loves me , pls tag me .. Hmmuuacks to those who noe I'm NOT a poser !!

Dedicated to no one ..

2006-05-09T22:29:00.000-07:00

Rejection , I felt before

But now , NOT anymore

I used to feel the sore

When my heart did tore ..

For the past fucking years

I shed blood , not only tears

Awaiting for your return ,

It's been a heavy burden ..

Why you had to make me feel this way ?

Now what you got to say ?

Just a simple SORRY and you walk away ..

If only I could make you stay ..

I did let you go

As I love you so ..

( the love died on the day you are no longer by my side )

2006-05-08T22:35:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling very fucked - tub right now .. I'm so freaking stressed up feel like letting this feeling go and made myself shed tears .. But my pride stop me ..

I can no longer bottle up this kinda pain its driving me insane ..

I'm stressing for the bloody examination .. I did studied yet the papers were damn tough .. I can barely complete the questions .. oh dammit !!

Guess I'm just stupid . Plain dumb indeed !!

FYI :

I despise peeps who tried to fake themselves when their real identity is just a lame - o freak ..

Here I am

2006-05-06T03:34:00.000-07:00

Wake me

I'm sleeping inside

Save me

Make it right ..

To emptiness again

Since you left me

You turn me insane

I'm bleeding brutally ..

My eyes blurred

My knees are weak

My heart hurts

I'm internally sick ..

You escape . You run .

Try to hide

But I'm always behind ..

----------------------------------------------------------

My rules you should abide

Then I'll let you go

You're forever my foe

That's you should know ..

I'll return for REVENGE ..

Revenge till u meet your HELL

A HELL awaiting for your presence

Thirst for your blood ..

Die for your bones

Hunger for your flesh ..

I'll swear I'll hunt you down

FUCKER !!!

Bad .. Worst days of my Life !!

2006-05-06T03:08:00.000-07:00

I'm in an absolute deep shit

I'm freaking dead beat

NO time to rest even eat

Very heavy ; my eyelid

Ooh bed , here I am

Sleepyhead ; Oh damn

My brain cells are cramp

In this stupid exam

I FELL sick

I FALL sick

I'm FEELING sick

Bloody Freeeeaakk !!

There's a high possibility

A big F awaiting for me

My parents will see

The report card it will be

Red lines all over

I'm grounded forever

Sooner or later

AAaaarrrggghhh;WHATEVER !!

I'm nothing ..

2006-05-01T20:55:00.000-07:00

I'm your echo

I'm your shadow

I'm there ..

Wherever you go ..

You never notice me

I'm never necessary

Others you see

But still not me ..

I'm not transparent

Look at me will you ?

Sense my presence

Ease my pain

For even an instance ?

( This thing can be a poem .. A poem is not on based how good it is but how you wrote it to express or explain something .. )

2006-04-30T23:13:00.000-07:00

I made my way to east coast chalet last saturday .. It was a big B indeed .. What I meant was , it was BORED .. Went there with my family .. Upon arriving there , alot of aunties , uncles , cousins and whoever .. Haix .. Let's cut it short .. When nite approached , I'm bored to tears .. Surprisingly as I NEVER in my life felt that kinda boredom and emptiness when I am at the beach .. No one called me on my cell phone .. No one messaged me .. How sickening was that ? When I don't need them , THEY are there .. When I need THEM to entertain me , they are not there .. Fortunately my blood and latest ex called..Save my nite .. LOL !!

BLA 3 .. Reached home .. Damn restless .. Need plenty of rest ... YAWN ..

!@#$%^&*!

2006-04-27T00:52:00.000-07:00

I FUCKING HATE school !!

STUPID rules and regulation !!

I did PLAYED TRUANT !!

Am I to BLAME ?

School is so DAMN BORED !!

We just sat there and FUCKING ROT !!

( ANYONE WHO AGREES WITH ME .. PLEASE PUT DOWN YOUR VIEWS .. )

We are two worlds apart ..

2006-04-27T00:40:00.000-07:00

He's gone ; he's dead

I got to learn , this is fate

The things he said

Is just a memory instead .

Yes , in the silence I cried

I can no longer run nor hide

I tried to put him aside

However his name still recite .

His presence still lingers

Testing my inner fears

He used to be my dearest

My dreams now shatters .

This shall come to an end

An end , he need to understand

I'm now just his friend

Is it hard to comprehend ?

A SAD STORY OF A *#@! FAMILY

2006-04-27T00:13:00.000-07:00

The silent cry

The pity child

Oh, so why ?

The mum's gone wild ..

Left the baby there

Alone on the side

She never care

I was totally right ..

I sympathised

I hated her

She never realised

Her child suffer ..

The baby's gone

Gone for good

The thing had forlorn

Nothing she brood ..

Still bugs me

Sadden my thoughts

Call herself mummy

Let her child rot ..

Can't just blame her

She's so young

Where's the stupid father ?

Guess ; again his drunk..

Drunkard alcoholic freak

Sick in the mind

Knees gone weak

Eyes turn blind ..

Just a smile

2006-04-25T00:39:00.000-07:00

I really miss you
Don't you miss me too ?
Many things I can't do
Thanks to you ..
I'm still hoping
You would be calling ..
Why I kept dreaming ?
Why I'm still waiting ?
My heart shattered
My love life bittered
Treated me like a dirt
I felt so hurt ..
In silence I cried
My tears had dried
I did tried
to put you aside ..
But my efforts are in vain
Again I felt the unbearable pain
A pain in me and my brain
Will it just drain ??
A broken smile appeared on my face ..

2006-04-23T23:32:00.000-07:00

Does it bother u people out there ?

My life story I wanna share ..

My black past kept haunting

And you bloody peeps kept criticising ..

I don't need symphathy

Stop being friendly

When actually you are not

You just love seeing me rot

Rot in this burning hell

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Life like a bed of roses

Will it ever occurs

To someone like me

Whom always feeling unhappy ??

A question left unanswered ..

For my latest ex - Arif

2006-04-21T17:50:00.000-07:00

I used to say :

I love you dearly

I miss you badly

You're my hubby

I'm your baby ..

It had to end :

I can no longer endure

The hurting,I can't cure

My tears began to pour

Not you , I adore ..

Why :

My feelings fade

It's too late

I guessed this is fate

A fate,God made ..

Wishes :

To see you look happy

Be with some other lady

sadist ; you won't be

Please forgive me ..

Now :

My words shall go unspoken

All I want is to be forgiven

A lesson indeed for you to learn

The love we shared had burnt ..

still bleeding

2006-04-20T22:07:00.000-07:00

Loving and missing you

Is the hardest thing I could do

Eventhough you're not my boo ,

I knew you love me too ..

I know we'll not last

As you , I dare not trust

Now its me , you cast

THEM ; 4 u is a must ..

My time and effort are in vain

What I had was just hurt and pain

My tears can turn into rain

That's how you hurt me time and again ..

Little did I know

I was just for show

It's me you throw

Now, you are my foe ..

I'll just fucking bleed inside

Everything never turns out right

Without you by my side

Unknowingly , I cried and cried ..

It had to end

The relationship , I meant

Regards,I send

To you my 'Friend' ..

Our fairytale was never a reality

Its just a dream and a story

All the best 2 u ZARI

The one , I thought my ONLY ..

???

2006-04-20T21:54:00.000-07:00

Dissatisfied soul = me

Make me believe

Let me see

Whose the real me

Behind this identity ..

________________________________________

WHATEVER !!

2006-04-19T02:53:00.000-07:00

What their fucking problem man ?! Peeps whom neither my friend nor my acquaintance just simply criticise me !! Who the freaking hell are they ?! They have no position to tell me what's right from wrong .. They don't like the way I am then too bad .. I condemn peeps who criticise me .. What the fuck man ?? They are not some style fashion GURU's ..I like to wear what I 'm comfortable with ..My wearing does signify my personality .. What I like doesn't bothers them .. Just shut the useless crap !! I'm not listening !! Bullshit !!

Without you I can live ..

2006-04-19T02:20:00.000-07:00

I was too kind

I was indeed blind

You let me go

I was just for show

Just a simple goodbye

Makes me wanna cry

I'm still crying

I'm still waiting

Thought you will be by my side

Guess I was never right ..

I trusted you whole-heartedly

In the end , what you did to me ??

It still bugs me everyday

Luckily I did not lead astray

Hmm !!

This will then come to an end

An ending that's easy to understand ..

Goodbye !!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

I need a shoulder to cry

I really need a fren or a guy

A big hug to comfort me

A pair of ears to listen to me

A place to drown my sorrows

Forget my life's bitter scenarios

Who will that be

The one who calls me Baby !

Apology again

2006-04-18T00:25:00.000-07:00

I don't mean to tain your reputation .. Fine you apologised and I'll let the matter rest ..You did explained .. I don't need to return back all those items .. You are nice .. Aaaaaaaaaarrrrgggghhhhh Whatever me tired ...sian..

Sorry Blood aka Eim

2006-04-17T02:37:00.000-07:00

I tot you'll nvr b by my side

However I was not right

At last,you still care

Maybe I wasn't aware

Sorry for accusing you

I'm at fault too

Sorry for everything

Just remain this loving ?

You still the best

We let the matter rest ..

Missssssssss Youuuuu !!!

Save me while you can ..

2006-04-15T20:39:00.000-07:00

I need a break ..

For goodness sake ..

I feel like quiting

As I kept losing ..

I'm such a loser

Indeed a failure ..

The truth in me reveal

That's not a big deal ..

Slowly n slowly

I will turn to recovery ..

I should stop complaining

Act and do something ..

I really need some guidance

Lead me to the right distance ..

pppppwwweeeeeezzzzzzzz !!

What's happening ??

2006-04-14T22:22:00.000-07:00

SAVE ME FROM ME

DON'T WANNA BE ME

ME WHOM CHANGING

SO SICKENING !!

I dunno what I want

I hate whatever's done ..

WHATS WRONG WITH ME ?

JUST LET ME BE ??

I'M CONTRADICTING MYSELF..

OH SHIT !!

IT'S HERE

IT WON'T EASE A BIT

THAT'S FEAR

SENSE IT

DAMN NEAR

I sound like a LUNATIC ..

AM I ? AM I ?

A POSSIBLE FRRRRRREEEAAAKK ??

Sick and Tired

2006-04-13T19:32:00.000-07:00

Are you really my bestfriend ?

Why is it hard to understand ?

Where were you last nite ?

When I'm shaking uncontrollably inside ..

Luckily my other friends do care

They were totally there

I'm disappointed with you

I just don't know what to do ..

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

YOU ; ADAM

Always 'calm'

You were also not there

Sleeping is all you care

I regret loving you

Luckily you not my boo

GO TO HELL

FUCK-OFF JERK !!

---------------------------------------------------------------

I've heard enough

You don't need to bluff

Just go away

You fuck anyway ...

IRRITATING PEST IS ANOTHER MESS !!

A sucky day !!!!!!

2006-04-13T18:52:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the most disappointing day ever .. fine ! I'm suck in every single little things .. Frm academic to sports to BGR to religion..All I failed..Such a failure..I only realised it yesterday after the sports day..WE got fourth in position..both events..4 x 100 and 8 x 200..Those volleyball players are damn ahead of me..I really felt low when that freaking fat girl ran past..That suck big time ! Haix..thats sports..Academic,I kept failing all of my tests..Assignments given,never complete and bla bla bla ..

Thats why I felt so fucked tub n ending up being high...Act like an insane freak..A minit I laugh,next minit I cry..I drowned my bloody sorrows..I drink neither beer nor wine..Just a plain cola with panadols..Only six tablets throughout the whole dae..

Anyway thanks 2 my friends who have seen me at my most vulnerable moment yesterday..Thnx 4 being there 4 me .. especially,Hasan who sent me home..Thanks ya all !!

me VS you and them

2006-04-11T19:50:00.000-07:00

I don't give a damn shit about you ! Go to hell for those who hate me because of you ! You gain their sympathy .. I am framed like a fucking bitch .. What I did was splitting with you ..Why must they give me their freaking stares and expressions..This got nothing to do with them !! They are such two-faced people..I got my bloody reasons for breaking up with you .. I don't do it for fun..You can't give me the sense of security..Yes ! You love me . Yes ! You showered me with money ,..etc..NOW you demand all those things to be returned..You shouted at me that I can't AFFORD to PAY BACK all those things..You know how I felt ? I felt that I lose my pride .. despised .. Tears in my eyes listening to your trueself..your true colours reveal .. YOU WANT YOUR MONEY BACK ... I'll return it 2 you..I'll be your debtor..Till my last breath , I'll remember this .. I'll pay back slowly even it takes years ..

Haix !!!!!!!!

2006-04-11T19:30:00.000-07:00

Slacking

Last few months

Studying

NEVER been fun

I'm just plain dumb

STUUUUUUUUUPID !!!!!!!

I never achieve anything

I'm such a failure

Again I'm drowning

My vision is less clear ..

Dedication 2 my blood - Eim aka Big Boy

2006-04-07T19:34:00.000-07:00

Friends are not just your companies

Friends are not,you called enemies

They will always be there

To love and care

Indeed,I'm your friend

This will never come to an end

You are the best

Among the rest

Please cherish this friendship

Which I will always keep

Be there 4 me 2

As my bestfriend is only YOU....

2006-04-06T03:10:00.000-07:00

As time went by

Memories fade

Tears went dry

'WE'are dead ..

No longer two

Just myself alone

No me and you

'WE'are now unknown ..

I led my life again

Refused to flashback

Fear;Fear of my pain

That's the fact ..

---------------------------------------------

A PIECE OF REAL PUNK LIFE ...

I want to be free

Free from everyone

loner,that's me

I've came undone..

Many awaits me

To hit me hard

Till I'm in agony

Then they'll part ..

Still trying to hide

Still trying to escape

Their rules;I have to abide

Others are used or raped ..

I'm shivering,I'm terrified

Still trying to run away

From these bloody fights ..

This is not my story.Its somebody..

2006-04-04T00:07:00.000-07:00

Last 2 days,i went to Nurul's birthday party..Upon arriving at 2pm sharp,nobody I knew was there..I mean my other friends were late..Her house filled with her families laughters and jokes..I went there with Rizal and Rin..I filled my grumbling stomach wif her home cooking delicious meals..Not only that,we get 2 eat her fruity sweet mouth watering desserts..I was there about an hour plus..I need 2 watch some1 soccer match..Therefore I hurried my way to the match..bla3..Go home after that......

Today,I had my worst class test for this term ever ! I was freaking stressed-up.lol.I did revised.However the questions tested nearly exploded my brain cells.Haha !! Just exaggerating...What I was trying to say was the Maths paper was damn challenging indeed...I'm seriously gonna fail..AaRrGgHh!!!!!!!!

Well my mid-year is around the corner,got to start revising....

you you n more you !!!

2006-03-30T21:34:00.000-08:00

DON'T SHUT ME UP !!

You have no right

I'M ALREADY FUCKED -TUB!!

I refuse to fight........

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

JUST LET ME GO

Free me from your hell

YOU ARE MY FOE

I don't need to tell......

________________________________

NEVER CROSS MY PATH

I repeat ; I hated it

YOU JUST LAUGH

Oh...........Dammit !!!!!!!!!

Dedicated to my latest ex - ARIF

2006-03-30T02:58:00.000-08:00

Memories rush into my head

Remembering about the past

When I was still,his stead

However,it doesn't last.

What I meant was,its over

It will not do us any good,

If we are together

As more things I then brood.

I admit its my fault

I declare I'm a loser

This will forever be a dot

A dot that marked me as a liar.

I told him,I will never leave him

I told him I will always be there

Now its just seem

That I don't even care

All of a sudden,my feelings fade

Peeps won't understand

As I've broken the promises,I made

Hence,Its complicated to comprehend .

No amount of apologies

Will make you befriend me

You won't accept my sorries

As your priority is your dignity..

_____________________________________

HATE ME FOR ALL i CARE

Act as if I was never there

PRETEND THAT YOU DARE

To face the reality that's unfair............

?????!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-03-29T01:25:00.000-08:00

Just a typical day

My worries stay

Yet boredom haunts me

Trying to escape readily

I tried very hard

Everything torn apart

Am I to blame?

AND he got the fame..

Don't look at me that way

I did not lead astray

______________________________

I know what I'm doing

JUST LEAVE ME ALONE ..

Don't pretend that you care

WHEN YOU WEREN'T THERE !!

I hate you

GET OUT OF MY FACE

you can be replace

JUST FUCK-OFF !!!

stop buggin me....................

SORRY......................

2006-03-27T02:18:00.000-08:00

Guilt and remorse filled me

What I did was due to insanity

I owe Arif,millions of apology

Even that,he will remain crazy

It's my fucking fault

I let him wait and rot

I cannot control my feelings

My heart hid some things

I assume I got over Adam

Indeed,I was calm

However Adam return,

I then learnt

That we can change the way we feel

____________________________________

I LET HIM DOWN

time and again

WHAT I DID

cause him pain

I LOVE HIM

I love him too

I JUST DON'T KNOW

what to do...

anti-_______(NOT A POEM)

2006-03-24T23:06:00.000-08:00

Living in this beautiful country

Politicions are our best buddy

I am totally happy to study

Our education system is the best really

Let's talk about other countries

Wars are challenging indeed

People just wait and bleed

Bombs and Deaths are increasing

Where's their humane thinking?

2006-03-24T22:40:00.000-08:00

Close your eyes

relax and breathe

No more cries

Energy is retrieve

Whenever I stress

I did this

Just a rest

A minit at least

Believe me when I said

As I did stressed alot

I felt that,I'm better off dead

However,fret not

Stress can be a positive effect

The more you think,

The better you act

At times,you do sink

As in you felt like drowning in stress

Majority went through it

However,who cares?

Just fuck the damn shit!!

A middle Finger just 4 u

2006-03-24T04:12:00.000-08:00

Listen to me

Aren't you happy

Leave me there waiting

Deeply freaking hoping

I thought you would be there

However,you just don't care

Where's your promise

Vanished in the mist?

My love gone waste

I'm still in a daze

I will never trust you again

I will end up in fucking pain

Where's your explanation?

Don't play with the silence

All you did was blame me

I am ill-treated badly

I want to be exonerate

Is this some kind of fate??

skooL *#@^%

2006-03-20T01:05:00.000-08:00

1 week of March holiday gone so fast .. It was suck indeed .. We were given tonnes of assignments and we need to attend 3 lessons .. L.A.M.E right ?

Haix .. That's School life .. SUCK BIG TIME , FELT F_C_ED TUB and OUTCAST !!!

I'm not being such an EMO freak here but look around,isn't that crystal clear??Majority are STRESSING in silence..Minority are very WELL-GRADED..

It's DAMN BLOODY true..